from the couch

my throat has that awful feeling..the one that feels like someone's been grating sharp objects over it.

so i've spent the majority of the last two days laying in bed.

i'm not sick but damnit cory's been home from work so we're working on moving as little as possible together, trying to soak each other up.

he laughed at me when i told him i was gonna do a mini series of pictures today called "from the couch".

but i was totally serious. and i present to you...

from the couch

all taken within 10 minutes of each other.

try not to be too amazed....

just things

this on repeat. all. day. long.

my life has been wrapped around books lately. reading them, learning about them, cory bringing a new one home every day from work. they're like a drug right now..helping me work through the haze.

i've been thinking a lot about bravery. mostly about how i lack it way too often. i can talk big in my private circles, but when it comes to the ones that really need to hear my heart i shrink away, terrified of the repercussions. because when it comes right down to it i can't stand to disappoint people.

restless..that's how i'm feeling.

restless for our new schedule to feel almost normal.
restless to get my w2 so i can file our tax return and get the shit fixed that needs to be fixed.
restless for warm weather so i can spend my days outside in the sun.
restless restless restless.

texting my sister every morning asking "are you guys alive?"
not being able to comfort her, hug her, get drunk with her..it hurts my heart.

be loud. it's so easy to say, right?
yet so hard to do.

me..the girl who has spent so much of her life hiding behind her hair.
then shaved off all her hair just to get a reaction.

i'm completely and totally confused most of the time.
there's this woman inside of me, screaming to get out.
then the other woman inside of me who's telling me to quiet down..don't rattle cages..don't rock boats...

and those are the thoughts heavy on my heart today.

now that they're shed i can focus on the now.

i've promised chocolate chip cookies today. i've promised baths & toenail cutting today..much to their dismay. i've promised myself time to breathe today.

pause

i haven't consciously chosen a word for every year. but it's funny how most spans of time can be summed up in a single word, isn't it?

i didn't realize it at the time, but the word for 2012 was busy.

i rarely took the time to just sit and be. for the last week i've thought that the word i would like to focus on for 2013 was change. but the last few days have given me a new hope.

and this hope is for the word pause to give me a big warm hug.

i need to hit pause in the busy of the every day. take time to breathe.

this week marks week 1 for 52 of now you.

a year of hitting pause, and a year of self discovery. those are my wishes for 2013.