an open letter to my husband

dear cory,

when i met you you weren't even legal yet.
there i was. 19 and wise to the ways of the world. and you, a baby faced 17 year old just weeks away from your birthday.

i'll never forget that first birthday i celebrated with you.

it was loud.
there were so many people.
and me, so unpopular.

yet you loved me.
you've always loved me. even though i make it impossible at times.

and here i was today.
losing my mind...swirling around in a stressed out we have to clean circle.
a crazed woman in the midst of a tornado. too much to do. no time to do it.

and you reminded me to take a step back.
you always remind me to take a step back.

reevaluate. concentrate on the good things around me.

and this is just one of the things i'm most grateful for.
you keep me centered.
grounded.
sane.

life has dealt us moment after moment.
happiness upon depression.
times of plenty upon times of oh my god how are we going to eat this month?
no privacy upon stolen moments behind closed doors.

i don't always take the time to say it, but i like you.
we say i love you every day. some days multiple times a day because i think it's one of those little things that help us stay centered.
but i really really like you. seriously.

love and like,
your wife

hi, privacy

i don't know if you guys realize it or not, but i'm a really kick ass mom. and cory? he's a really kick ass dad. 

and it's so hard sometimes to live up to that kick assness. 

some days i want to crawl into the cave shaped like my bedroom and hide. i want to eat junk food, watch tv, and pretend i'm all alone in my private space.

privacy. hello, privacy.

my long lost friend.

we used to spend so much time alone together with our good friend bed. 

remember bed? she was such a little slut, always flashing her flannel sheets at us. 

"join me," she'd say. get inside me. 

and you, privacy...well, you could never resist. so we'd let her wrap her arms around us and carry us off to ecstasy.

i haven't seen you in so long.

have you found a new lover? some 18 year old blond with no job and classes to skip?

i can only hope you saved my number. 

things won't be this way forever. 

give me fifteen years. wow, fifteen years.

i mean, yea it's a long time. but remember the times we used to have?

walks in the park..

trips to the book store..

when our good friends blanket and book used to come over to hang..

i'll write again when i have some free time.

and oh yea, my name's changed.

it's "mom" now.

today i have done the following:

velcro-ed an estimated 17 costumes on two little boys

eaten a bowl of peppermint ice cream

drank a giant iced coffee

played outside 

avoided cooking at all costs (thank you, papa murphy)

avoided housework at all costs. i'll pay for this one tomorrow.

answered phone call upon phone call from groupon clients

kissed my husband. a lot.

every day should be so beautiful.

for posterity

every waking moment lately finds me so tired.

exhaustion. kind of overwhelmed. scratch kind of and replace it with super duper.

today at 2:35pm (estimated time, mind you) i looked down at my fingernails to check and make sure they didn't need to be clipped. tonight at 9:01pm (exact time, i'm looking directly at the clock on the laptop) my nails seem grotesquely long and are making it difficult to type.

i'm creatively stunted. growth hasn't happened in quite some time.

mint green and red together...so country, so comforting.

right now as i'm typing i'm looking down at my arms. they've grown in size an exponential amount in the last few months. but i lack the care of self motivation to do jack shit about it.

i've been stalking petfinder for a pug. and i won't stop until we get one.

i've been watching "felicity" again. and it reminded me that i used to lust after her expansive sweater wardrobe and hair. those feelings are still there. and i'm also adding "work as a barista" to my bucket list.

cory found old photos at a thrift store today for $6. and there are at least 2 dozen of them. these are the things that make me incredibly happy.

this post is for posterity. because obviously my future grandchildren will care about my meaningless dribble.

pointless entry

i have a problem with dwelling on the past at times. that's a lie. i have a problem with dwelling on the past all the time.

and it's difficult for me to not focus on the things that i regret.

i regret not being more outspoken about what i wanted at my wedding.
i regret not waiting longer to have children.
i regret not fishing college. directly related to the regret above.
i regret not being more aware of my health and physical activity.
i regret not being more self aware in high school & my 20's.
i regret spending so much time letting others take advantage.

it's difficult to not let these things turn me into a bitter, selfish bitch. in some ways i feel like i was cheated out of things that should've been important moments in my life. and i need to let go.

maybe i even need to write them all down, put them in balloons, and let them fly away. but i won't because a. that visual therapy shit has never worked on me and b. i'm too cheap to buy balloons then just let them fly away.

the only way to right the past is live my life without regrets here, in the now.

and that, my friends, is the reason why i haven't folded laundry in weeks.

just thought i'd share.

just some reassurance

there has been an awful lot of discussion here lately about babies. the fact that so many friends have been having beautiful little spit machines isn't helping.

after having otto i knew that we needed to take permanent measures to guard against any more pregnancies. because i have this problem...every time a kid grows too big i yearn for another.

and that yearning has been there for a good 3 years, with our otto nearing 4.

i've been content this whole time with it just being a wish...a desire...but knowing that everyone was with me in otto being our final creation. it'll be fine. we'll get a puppy, and everything will be just fine.

then people start talking about babies. people being cory. and he hasn't actually said "i want another baby" but when i talk about it he just gets quiet..and damnit, man..i've been married to you for nearly 10 years. i know what that means.

before you all think that 4 weeks from now i'll be announcing a pregnancy, there are definitely no plans to have unprotected sex at the moment. it's the absolute wrong time...it just is....

and my biggest fear? the darkness that comes after baby.

i think that post partum depression is still one of those taboo things that people rarely talk about.

and when they do it gets shrugged off as something that's just one of those things..it just happens. baby blues. you'll be fine. shake it off.

while discussing babies last night cory confirmed what i was afraid of...

"you haven't been the same since otto"

and it's true.

everyone praises me on my honesty, but this is on the verge of being too raw for me to share... because it's something i fight within myself every single day.

i still don't think i'm back to myself. i've been feeling incredibly nostalgic lately. which means i've been dusting off the oldest pictures in flickr and our old youtube account. the smile i had before having him were so genuine. now everything feels so..just, not real.

and don't get me wrong. most days are good. but some days are still a serious struggle. and it can be anything that sets me off. a sad news story, a sad movie... any number of things.

even life itself can do it.

right now it's the stress of dealing with angry groupon customers because i'm not returning their calls fast enough even though i have a dozen voicemails waiting for returned calls. it's just too much right now.

it's money. money always comes into play. having bare cabinets two days before the end of the month..biding our time with spaghetti night after night.

i don't regret otto. i would never ever. i was just expressing my deep gratitude for birthing him the other night. and telling cory that i felt sorry for men..that they would never know that feeling. that rush of oxytocin. the feeling that if you can do that you can very literally do anything. his dimples make everything worth it. that child is my joy. 

but it was so hard to see... and some days i find myself in that haze again. when i think about what life would be like without me here. if everyone would be okay. and the answer is always no. my children need a mother. my husband needs a wife. 

and i wonder why it is that we, as women, rarely talk about our experience. whether it's baby blues, post partum depression, or even psychosis. it's not something we should be ashamed of. we need to be in it all together, not against each other.

the thing that really amazes me is our readiness to discuss child birth and breastfeeding, but when we talk about the low that comes after those 9-10 months are over it's always done in hushed tones. 

i long for some realness.. for us to reassure each other. it'll be okay. the fog will lift. or maybe it won't, but we'll find ways to deal with it.

dwell on the good, not the bad. because there's so much good around us. and to take care of ourselves. it's okay to spend a day laying in bed being sad. and it's okay to make yourself go outside and face life, because otherwise you'll drown. 

i'm still normal. it's all okay.

i want to

wear pretty dresses

spin around in circles

get a weekly manicure

learn how to walk in heels

wrap a long string of pearls around my neck

learn how to properly use false eyelashes

walk with my shoulders straight and head high

have the kind of class and grace of a starlet alongside jimmy stewart

curl my hair

shit, brush my hair

and do it all while driving a big ass truck covered in the finest red mud around

the david mayfield parade

sometimes music can save us. in high school it was sarah mclachlan and elliott smith that saved me. what can i say....i have many layers.

for some reason my late 20's and early 30's have left me longing for banjos, guitars, and slow southern drawls. it must be my redneck, barefoot farmer daddy's influence. i still have such fond memories of listening to 8 tracks of johnny cash and elvis's country albums in his truck with the windows down.

this man belongs on that list of slow southern drawls and beautiful guitars that i've fallen in love with.

and i swear to you, he's cory's brother from another mother. i mean, seriously. the men look just alike and act just alike. which means that his stage presence is like none other.

we knew we had to go see him on sunday night, even though it was a school/work night for cory. the best part was that the show was free. free is my favorite price..and it left money available for us to get shirts which is always a bonus.

he managed to charm an entire audience who had probably never heard of him and get a well earned standing ovation before leaving the stage.

and his new crew is amazing as well. i was skeptical since i enjoyed the old ensemble so much, but i managed to develop a pretty hefty crush on his fiddle player.

i have another video we took as well but haven't uploaded it yet.. maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, who knows....

but for now...ladies and gentlemen, i present to you one of faith's favorite bands. seriously, she listens to them non-stop... the david mayfield parade.

if you don't fall in love with them then you don't have a heart. in which case i can't help you..no one can.