my life has been wrapped around books lately. reading them, learning about them, cory bringing a new one home every day from work. they're like a drug right now..helping me work through the haze.
i've been thinking a lot about bravery. mostly about how i lack it way too often. i can talk big in my private circles, but when it comes to the ones that really need to hear my heart i shrink away, terrified of the repercussions. because when it comes right down to it i can't stand to disappoint people.
restless..that's how i'm feeling.
restless for our new schedule to feel almost normal.
restless to get my w2 so i can file our tax return and get the shit fixed that needs to be fixed.
restless for warm weather so i can spend my days outside in the sun.
restless restless restless.
texting my sister every morning asking "are you guys alive?"
not being able to comfort her, hug her, get drunk with her..it hurts my heart.
be loud. it's so easy to say, right?
yet so hard to do.
me..the girl who has spent so much of her life hiding behind her hair.
then shaved off all her hair just to get a reaction.
i'm completely and totally confused most of the time.
there's this woman inside of me, screaming to get out.
then the other woman inside of me who's telling me to quiet down..don't rattle cages..don't rock boats...
and those are the thoughts heavy on my heart today.
now that they're shed i can focus on the now.
i've promised chocolate chip cookies today. i've promised baths & toenail cutting today..much to their dismay. i've promised myself time to breathe today.
Don't let other peoples Christianity ruin your chances of spirituality. I could write you a long paragraph on why you should accept this world, the good, the bad and the ugly, but in truth that only can come when you are ready and when you figure it out yourself. Keep reading. Keep loving. Keep looking at your gorgeous children. :)
ReplyDeleteI think this picture of you is very beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a big story. A big reason to write and share and SHOUT! : )
I believe in Jesus with everything that is in me. I hope you search and find what you are looking for. I know believing in God seems like it is anti everything you have ever believed. This is one of my favorite ways to look at christianity.
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not shouting, “I’ve been saved!”
I’m whispering, “I get lost!
That’s why I chose this way”
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t speak with human pride
I’m confessing that I stumble -
needing God to be my guide
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak
and pray for strength to carry on
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting that I’ve failed
and cannot ever pay the debt
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t think I know it all
I submit to my confusion
asking humbly to be taught
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible
but God believes I’m worth it
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache
which is why I seek God’s name
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I’m loved
Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer