i'm special

i talked about it a little bit on our business blog, but elliott said something that totally kicked my ass the other day.

we try to spend time with each of the kids individually as much as possible, especially elliott. he just needs to be reminded of the love that surrounds him from time to time.

and here's the thing.
i say all of this today with a slight layer of guilt hidden under the surface.

i treated myself with our tax return, as i always do. two new bras, a pair of boots, a couple dresses, 30 ill-spent dollars at lush...the list could go on but i'm honestly too embarrassed to continue.

most of the items i want fall in my lap because my husband loves me. sometimes he loves me too much.

i despise spending money on myself. hate it really. cory's usually the one responsible for buying me new underwear because he can't stand to see me in thread bare awfulnesses. and he has to see me in it often since i only wear pants 15% of the time.

you guys, i won't even buy myself underwear. why do i do this to myself?

it's not because i don't want our money to be spent. because i have no problem with buying the kids things..or cory buying himself things. i just don't want money to be spent on me.

but rewinding back to my day with elliott...
while at the lego store he spotted a book on harry potter at the register. and if these children know anything they know of my love for the boy wizard. i've only spent the last several years trying to drill the story into their heads.

when he saw the book my baby insisted that i buy it for myself.
and me, being me, i kept refusing.
and he kept insisting.
we left the store without it, but not before spending $20 on legos for elliott.

fast forward to our local science museum.
oh my word, you guys. they had quidditch goggles.
i tried oh so hard to talk elliott into getting them.
they're so amazing, elliott! you should get them!
he turned down the offer to get them for him, then started insisting that i get them for myself.
come on, mommy. you really like them. you should get them.

buying them for elliott would've been fine. buying them for myself? ridiculous.

and that's when it happened.

you never want to get anything for you, because you don't think you're special, mommy. but you're special.

shot to the heart, you guys.

so i'm here to tell you guys that dammit i'm special. and i'm really gonna try to treat myself like i'm special more often.

because the thing is...if i don't show my kids that i'm special how do i expect to build their self esteem?

to think that i could teach them to believe that they're special while constantly putting myself on a back burner and never doing small things for myself is just..well...it's stupid. and i may be a college drop out but i remember enough from those child psychology classes to know that this is an absolute essential part to raising confident children.

i have to learn to love myself.

restless

the last week has been spent working our asses off to re-do the boys' room. it was a successful project..with freshly painted walls, a super hero closet, a tardis door, and more awesomeness to come. i seriously spent a good hour yesterday painstakingly organizing all the books on their shelves.

the best part though? watching them go in & make a glorious mess after all that work. and this isn't me being my usual sarcastic self. total honesty here. seeing them enjoy all the hard work we put into it was one of the most gratifying things i've experienced in a while.

and even though they have the most amazing room two little boys obsessed with all things super hero and doctor who could have, they still ventured into our bed last night. not even the new lightsaber nightlight on their wall could comfort them the way we can.

in my head every night i tell myself that the second they come into our room i'll banish them back to theirs. our bed just simply isn't big enough. it isn't. but then otto came in last night carrying his giant teddy bear that's nearly as big as he is, complaining that he just couldn't sleep without me.

so i spent a good bulk of my night on the very edge of the bed with him breathing right onto the back of my neck and elliott somehow managing to kick me from the other side of the bed.

since i didn't spent much time sleeping, i did what i usually do during these late nights. i let my mind wander. and i came to an obvious conclusion. i think it's truly impossible to do something as important as raising children without wondering every day if you're fucking it all up. in fact, it may very well be the mark of a great parenting.

but in moments like last night i felt brave enough to re-assure myself that our kids are amazing people. whether that's thanks to their obviously superior genes or our hands off, let them be people parenting approach i may never know.

and i may be singing a different tune once adolescence hits. i've been enjoying "parenthood"..i know, always behind...and thoroughly enjoying it, despite the fact that it's made me completely terrified of raising teenagers. but i have to believe that doing our best to treat them respect thus far will pay off in the long run.

in all honesty i can't wait to see who they'll be at 13...16..21...

for now i'll live in the 57 hugs and kisses they give me a day and hope that they never ever get too big to keep giving them.

Jericho

mom. stay at home mom. housewife. these are the things that have defined me for the last year or so.

i get away occasionally on the weekends, usually to make 100 bucks here or there taking pictures to help out our bank account.

but beyond those titles there's not much left.

i've tried to make more of an effort when i do go out the last few weeks. wear a dress, put some make-up on...and it does make me feel better. but down underneath i still feel invisible.

identity. i'm vanessa. i used to love art history. not just enjoy it, but love it. and even though i'm not skilled at it, i do love to draw and paint.

one of the most thoughtful gifts cory ever gave me was a drawing kit while i was pregnant with otto.

it was about a week before he finally decided to come out of my body, and i had just come back from the hospital with an awful uti. and if you've never been a pregnant woman with a uti...thank whoever you recognize as your higher power because i kid you not, that pain was worse than any of the labor pains i experienced while giving birth.

for about 2 hours i forgot about all the shit around me, and existed in that piece of paper. 

yet here i am, having trouble finding that space again..the stolen moments of quiet.

trying to hide with a book or even watching tv in peace while folding laundry is interrupted by any of the following:

breaking up a fight

cutting an apple

opening a package of string cheese

wiping someone's butt

helping someone blow their nose

giving otto more cough medicine because his cough just.won't.go.away

it's supposed to snow again soon.

the constant days of cold are hard here. warm days can be spent with them outside, and me inside with the doors open..letting the sun in.

so i take comfort in warm coffee mugs filled with liquid gold topped with whipped cream, wishing for summer to show its face. 

cory works so hard. and he's been so sick. 

and there are days like today, when i just don't know if i can get out of bed to fold yet another load of laundry, that make me feel like i need to get my shit together. force myself to climb out of the funk i've been in and be the woman he married, not the one he got stuck with.

everything will be okay

i'm no good at big decisions.
i over think them til i've worked myself into a total awful frenzy.

we're facing two big decisions right now.
1. cory's future in school & career...
2. the kids' schooling...

and i'm finally coming to a place of peace. the thing is that things are never black and white, and i hate it. if there could just be one big answer to every major decision, yea, that'd be great.

pro's and con's help. making mental lists, then realizing that we have to take everyone in this house into account when making such decisions.

decisions in cory's schooling are still unclear, and i know we're both just so ready for some relief.
i know the light is there at the end of the tunnel..but digging our way to it & trying to decide which way to go when we hit a fork in the road is proving to be a pain in the ass.

and when it comes to the kids' schooling, the bottom line is that i'm failing.
i'm a kick ass mom. i'm a terrible homeschooling mom. and i need to realize this doesn't make me a total failure.
i need to know that i'm raising confident capable kids and that it's okay to cut the strings.
they can fly, i know they can. i just need to let them out of their cages and rediscover who i am.
i've spent the last 8 1/2 years of my life being nothing but mommy.
and i need to realize that having the desire to do something for me and no one else isn't selfish, but self preservation.

my mental health has been on a downward spiral lately, and it's essential for me to get well in order to re-establish some sanity and peace in our home.


i found my happy place today sitting on the floor or shower, scrubbing the walls.
sometimes cleaning is the only way i can find that place where everything seems clear again.
and the only problem with that scenario is the fact that once i've found that place the last thing i want to do is clean.
our bathroom is the cleanest it's been in years. the rest of the house? not so much.


it's okay..everything will be okay.

from the couch

my throat has that awful feeling..the one that feels like someone's been grating sharp objects over it.

so i've spent the majority of the last two days laying in bed.

i'm not sick but damnit cory's been home from work so we're working on moving as little as possible together, trying to soak each other up.

he laughed at me when i told him i was gonna do a mini series of pictures today called "from the couch".

but i was totally serious. and i present to you...

from the couch

all taken within 10 minutes of each other.

try not to be too amazed....

just things

this on repeat. all. day. long.

my life has been wrapped around books lately. reading them, learning about them, cory bringing a new one home every day from work. they're like a drug right now..helping me work through the haze.

i've been thinking a lot about bravery. mostly about how i lack it way too often. i can talk big in my private circles, but when it comes to the ones that really need to hear my heart i shrink away, terrified of the repercussions. because when it comes right down to it i can't stand to disappoint people.

restless..that's how i'm feeling.

restless for our new schedule to feel almost normal.
restless to get my w2 so i can file our tax return and get the shit fixed that needs to be fixed.
restless for warm weather so i can spend my days outside in the sun.
restless restless restless.

texting my sister every morning asking "are you guys alive?"
not being able to comfort her, hug her, get drunk with her..it hurts my heart.

be loud. it's so easy to say, right?
yet so hard to do.

me..the girl who has spent so much of her life hiding behind her hair.
then shaved off all her hair just to get a reaction.

i'm completely and totally confused most of the time.
there's this woman inside of me, screaming to get out.
then the other woman inside of me who's telling me to quiet down..don't rattle cages..don't rock boats...

and those are the thoughts heavy on my heart today.

now that they're shed i can focus on the now.

i've promised chocolate chip cookies today. i've promised baths & toenail cutting today..much to their dismay. i've promised myself time to breathe today.

pause

i haven't consciously chosen a word for every year. but it's funny how most spans of time can be summed up in a single word, isn't it?

i didn't realize it at the time, but the word for 2012 was busy.

i rarely took the time to just sit and be. for the last week i've thought that the word i would like to focus on for 2013 was change. but the last few days have given me a new hope.

and this hope is for the word pause to give me a big warm hug.

i need to hit pause in the busy of the every day. take time to breathe.

this week marks week 1 for 52 of now you.

a year of hitting pause, and a year of self discovery. those are my wishes for 2013.