Tuesday, July 31, 2012

love, laughter, adventure

the last few months have brought friends and acquaintances passing on well before their time. it's caused me to pause and reevaluate life.

forever i will move like the world that turns beneath me
and when i lose my direction i'll look up to the sky
and when the black cloak drags upon the ground
i'll be ready to surrender, and remember
well we're all in this together
if i live the life i'm given, i won't be scared to die

the life i'm given. these children..this man...they're all that matters.
once the semester has started i'll rarely see him.
work, class, study, ready
and i have to wonder if it's all worth it.

so much time spent apart from each other.
but he works so we can eat.
and it all seems like such a waste.

last night we went swimming in the dark, nearly 2 hours after our normal bed time.
and i don't regret a thing.

these are the things i believe in

the rest of life is made of all these silly details. details that don't really matter.

Thursday, July 5, 2012


Almost daily I need to remind myself that being a parent is a privilege. Any one can get pregnant and be a birth mother, but it takes an incredible amount of patience and love to be a mommy.

And anyone who tells you that they've never questioned their decision to have kids or wonder what their life would be like if they'd chosen a child free path is a fucking liar.

Me? I think I'd be traveling. Seeing all the places I never made it to. Maybe I'd be riding elephants in exotic places with my camera in hand. Maybe I'd be traveling in a bus with a guitar that I learned how to play because my hands weren't busy changing diapers and nursing babies. Maybe I'd be living in a tiny loft in New York while working for pennies in random art galleries because I just love learning about art history. Who knows... and that's part of the beauty.

You always hear people say that you shouldn't look back or dwell on the past. And when I think about my life without my children I just think about how much I would miss them. So I force myself to look ahead. Instead of day dreaming about the exposed brick walls in my tiny loft or the romance of the open road I day dream about the day that Faith will become an adult. What will she be like? Will she fall in love and commit herself to someone? Will she keep her independent streak and make a fabulous life for herself doing something fantastic? And what about Elliott? He's my little sensitive artist. Will that hold through adolescence into adulthood or will growing up squash those qualities that I love so much? And Otto... my little ball of energy... will he forever stay so loving and snuggly or will he change with time? Will my boys get married some day? Will they thrive on being different or feel the pressure to fit in? What will my role be in assuring I raise free thinking, loving children? How the hell am I going to do it?

Raising such children is going to be a challenge in the Bible belt with religious right wing family surrounding us. Just yesterday my Elliott told me that boys kissing boys was gross, and I don't even know where he heard it. Was it from someone at school? Did someone at a church somewhere some time tell him that? Do I need to ban church? Why am I surrounded by such small minded insecure people?

Love. My primary role as a mommy is to love. Even when temper tantrums are being thrown, children are hiding under blankets refusing to speak to me, or jumping up and down in the hotel and I'm having to remind them for the 15,000th time to be kind to the people below us... I will love. I will be patient. I will nurture. I will not shout. I will not shout. I will not fucking shout. I will save the word fuck for frustration towards other people, like my mother.

I am flawed. I curse. I still walk around naked in our house even though it may not be appropriate any more. I shout. Sometimes I even yell. Sometimes I even get the urge to hit aka spank, even though those impulses are always overcome. I crave quiet. I crave peace. I crave alone time. I crave the days when it was just me and my cat in my little apartment..where everything was in its place and my glade plug ins made everything smell like cloves and cinnamon.

My life now consists of sticky things everywhere. I wipe bottoms daily. I clean up spills. I tie shoes. I brush hair. I drive back and forth all day long, every day. The science museum. The zoo. The park. And some days I turn on a movie on in my bedroom and let them fill my bed with crumbs while changing clothes over and over again just so I can sit quietly with a cup of coffee and a book on the couch, hoping that daddy will be home soon and bedtime will come quickly.

Marriage is difficult with children. There are disagreements. There's the delicate balance between letting each of us parent as we sit fit and not undermining each others authority, and knowing when to tell each other to back off and chill the fuck out. Sex is rare...and rushed 99% of the time. Date night is non-existent. And when it does exist it's always over too quickly. Some days we're lucky to be able to get in a 10 minute conversation with each other before passing out. There are weeks that go by without us even sleeping in the same bed together all night. But we've made it this far with more love than we've ever had for each other before, and we've stayed strong through it all.

He's a daddy.
I'm a mommy.
And maybe when they move on I will have such severe empty nest syndrome that I'll stay in bed for weeks on end watching horrid television and eating hostess cupcakes.
But when that phase has passed I'll be ready to travel to distant lands. I'll climb on that elephant with my camera in my hand. We'll buy a magic RV that carries us down Route 66. I'll drive and he'll play his guitar. We'll celebrate freedom and our children will beg us to come home and see them.

I have time. I will grow old peacefully once they have chosen their paths. But right now I'm here to love, hug, and teach important life lessons. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone is lovable. The toilet paper roll goes towards the front, not the back. Flossing is always an option, not a necessity. Sometimes you just need to yell to get your frustration out, and that's okay. You're allowed to get mad at me. You're allowed to cry. I don't care what you believe, as long as you believe it with all of your heart. I don't care what path you choose, as long as you do it with honestly and integrity.

In short, I wish I had been my own damn mother, and had my husband for a father.

*Colorado is amazing by the way. The air is so much lighter here, the sun shines brighter without the heat, and we are loved. I'm so grateful for our time here, and will be grateful to get back home to my lover.

(lots more pictures on flickr)