Wednesday, November 28, 2012

dear me..

the draw to write is something that's always there inside of me. it never goes away. i constantly have words running through my head. there are even more of them when i'm reading on a more frequent basis, which i have been lately.

dear vanessa,
write more

i've been a giant ball of stress for the last year and change. and i can't seem to make myself to slow down. i keep taking on more obligations...looking for more to do. then i immediately regret it. what the hell am i doing?

dear vanessa,
slow down

i want to play with my children
learn how to play the guitar
write a song
take an art class
play with my camera every day
go on daily trips somewhere familiar, warm and comforting
i want somewhere to belong

home is wonderful. home is magic, don't get me wrong. i'm over my loathing of this trailer and have been slowly transforming it into somewhere i love to be. baby steps.

but a place away from home that feels like home? where there are no chores to be done? it's something my heart is constantly screaming for.

dear vanessa,
find that place if it's the last thing you do

i love my curvy body. i'm so proud of my curvy body.

jesus i'm fat.

i want to listen to nothing but folk & christmas music for the rest of my life. with a little dubstep mixed in on days when i'm in the kitchen wearing nothing but underwear. that's right, i said it.

and i want to be surrounded by camp fires, flannel and warm drinks in novelty mugs.

dear world,
i'm not a hipster. i was doin' this shit 15 years ago

i'm plagued by a series of up's and down's. highs and lows. do up's and down's actually require apostrophes  i would be a horrible english teacher.
i would like to full heartedly blame my lack of grammar and spelling knowledge on the religious privated school hell i was raised in.

i've come to the realization that i can write almost nothing but totally disjointed blog posts. maybe this is why i haven't been able to pull thoughts together for a book. they make drugs that would help me pull my thoughts together don't they? health insurance would be really sweet right about now.

dear vanessa,

blog more frequently

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


i voted today. for the first time in years. my kids walked in with me, watched me, and saw it happen.

cory pointed at his "i voted" sticker and said it was a license to bitch.

otto has lost the ability to control his volume. it's non-stop shouting all day. i'm starting to lose the last teaspoon of patience i had left.

john green and kimya dawson both conversed with me on twitter today. i believe i can fly..and take over the world..and die a happy woman.

it was decided that spaghetti would be consumed tonight. i have yet to make that happen and am rethinking this whole cooking thing.

i've been listening to the new mumford & sons album more than the new avett brothers. i'm not really sure who i am any more in light of this realization.

i sing really loudly in the car, and every time think about how i missed my calling as a folk singer. then i remember that i lack the balls to actually sing in front of anyone the way that i do in the car. and that i can't play an instrument. or write a song.

christmas music has already been played in this house. and i regret nothing. as soon as november arrives it's christmas time. at least in my world.

i'm coming to realize that i tend to be overly sensitive to things that don't really matter at all. like the feeling that adele betrayed me by losing weight & being on the cover of cosmo.

i really need to take better care of myself.

i need this in my life.