an open letter to my husband

dear cory,

when i met you you weren't even legal yet.
there i was. 19 and wise to the ways of the world. and you, a baby faced 17 year old just weeks away from your birthday.

i'll never forget that first birthday i celebrated with you.

it was loud.
there were so many people.
and me, so unpopular.

yet you loved me.
you've always loved me. even though i make it impossible at times.

and here i was today.
losing my mind...swirling around in a stressed out we have to clean circle.
a crazed woman in the midst of a tornado. too much to do. no time to do it.

and you reminded me to take a step back.
you always remind me to take a step back.

reevaluate. concentrate on the good things around me.

and this is just one of the things i'm most grateful for.
you keep me centered.
grounded.
sane.

life has dealt us moment after moment.
happiness upon depression.
times of plenty upon times of oh my god how are we going to eat this month?
no privacy upon stolen moments behind closed doors.

i don't always take the time to say it, but i like you.
we say i love you every day. some days multiple times a day because i think it's one of those little things that help us stay centered.
but i really really like you. seriously.

love and like,
your wife

hi, privacy

i don't know if you guys realize it or not, but i'm a really kick ass mom. and cory? he's a really kick ass dad. 

and it's so hard sometimes to live up to that kick assness. 

some days i want to crawl into the cave shaped like my bedroom and hide. i want to eat junk food, watch tv, and pretend i'm all alone in my private space.

privacy. hello, privacy.

my long lost friend.

we used to spend so much time alone together with our good friend bed. 

remember bed? she was such a little slut, always flashing her flannel sheets at us. 

"join me," she'd say. get inside me. 

and you, privacy...well, you could never resist. so we'd let her wrap her arms around us and carry us off to ecstasy.

i haven't seen you in so long.

have you found a new lover? some 18 year old blond with no job and classes to skip?

i can only hope you saved my number. 

things won't be this way forever. 

give me fifteen years. wow, fifteen years.

i mean, yea it's a long time. but remember the times we used to have?

walks in the park..

trips to the book store..

when our good friends blanket and book used to come over to hang..

i'll write again when i have some free time.

and oh yea, my name's changed.

it's "mom" now.

today i have done the following:

velcro-ed an estimated 17 costumes on two little boys

eaten a bowl of peppermint ice cream

drank a giant iced coffee

played outside 

avoided cooking at all costs (thank you, papa murphy)

avoided housework at all costs. i'll pay for this one tomorrow.

answered phone call upon phone call from groupon clients

kissed my husband. a lot.

every day should be so beautiful.

for posterity

every waking moment lately finds me so tired.

exhaustion. kind of overwhelmed. scratch kind of and replace it with super duper.

today at 2:35pm (estimated time, mind you) i looked down at my fingernails to check and make sure they didn't need to be clipped. tonight at 9:01pm (exact time, i'm looking directly at the clock on the laptop) my nails seem grotesquely long and are making it difficult to type.

i'm creatively stunted. growth hasn't happened in quite some time.

mint green and red together...so country, so comforting.

right now as i'm typing i'm looking down at my arms. they've grown in size an exponential amount in the last few months. but i lack the care of self motivation to do jack shit about it.

i've been stalking petfinder for a pug. and i won't stop until we get one.

i've been watching "felicity" again. and it reminded me that i used to lust after her expansive sweater wardrobe and hair. those feelings are still there. and i'm also adding "work as a barista" to my bucket list.

cory found old photos at a thrift store today for $6. and there are at least 2 dozen of them. these are the things that make me incredibly happy.

this post is for posterity. because obviously my future grandchildren will care about my meaningless dribble.

pointless entry

i have a problem with dwelling on the past at times. that's a lie. i have a problem with dwelling on the past all the time.

and it's difficult for me to not focus on the things that i regret.

i regret not being more outspoken about what i wanted at my wedding.
i regret not waiting longer to have children.
i regret not fishing college. directly related to the regret above.
i regret not being more aware of my health and physical activity.
i regret not being more self aware in high school & my 20's.
i regret spending so much time letting others take advantage.

it's difficult to not let these things turn me into a bitter, selfish bitch. in some ways i feel like i was cheated out of things that should've been important moments in my life. and i need to let go.

maybe i even need to write them all down, put them in balloons, and let them fly away. but i won't because a. that visual therapy shit has never worked on me and b. i'm too cheap to buy balloons then just let them fly away.

the only way to right the past is live my life without regrets here, in the now.

and that, my friends, is the reason why i haven't folded laundry in weeks.

just thought i'd share.