restless

the last week has been spent working our asses off to re-do the boys' room. it was a successful project..with freshly painted walls, a super hero closet, a tardis door, and more awesomeness to come. i seriously spent a good hour yesterday painstakingly organizing all the books on their shelves.

the best part though? watching them go in & make a glorious mess after all that work. and this isn't me being my usual sarcastic self. total honesty here. seeing them enjoy all the hard work we put into it was one of the most gratifying things i've experienced in a while.

and even though they have the most amazing room two little boys obsessed with all things super hero and doctor who could have, they still ventured into our bed last night. not even the new lightsaber nightlight on their wall could comfort them the way we can.

in my head every night i tell myself that the second they come into our room i'll banish them back to theirs. our bed just simply isn't big enough. it isn't. but then otto came in last night carrying his giant teddy bear that's nearly as big as he is, complaining that he just couldn't sleep without me.

so i spent a good bulk of my night on the very edge of the bed with him breathing right onto the back of my neck and elliott somehow managing to kick me from the other side of the bed.

since i didn't spent much time sleeping, i did what i usually do during these late nights. i let my mind wander. and i came to an obvious conclusion. i think it's truly impossible to do something as important as raising children without wondering every day if you're fucking it all up. in fact, it may very well be the mark of a great parenting.

but in moments like last night i felt brave enough to re-assure myself that our kids are amazing people. whether that's thanks to their obviously superior genes or our hands off, let them be people parenting approach i may never know.

and i may be singing a different tune once adolescence hits. i've been enjoying "parenthood"..i know, always behind...and thoroughly enjoying it, despite the fact that it's made me completely terrified of raising teenagers. but i have to believe that doing our best to treat them respect thus far will pay off in the long run.

in all honesty i can't wait to see who they'll be at 13...16..21...

for now i'll live in the 57 hugs and kisses they give me a day and hope that they never ever get too big to keep giving them.

Jericho

mom. stay at home mom. housewife. these are the things that have defined me for the last year or so.

i get away occasionally on the weekends, usually to make 100 bucks here or there taking pictures to help out our bank account.

but beyond those titles there's not much left.

i've tried to make more of an effort when i do go out the last few weeks. wear a dress, put some make-up on...and it does make me feel better. but down underneath i still feel invisible.

identity. i'm vanessa. i used to love art history. not just enjoy it, but love it. and even though i'm not skilled at it, i do love to draw and paint.

one of the most thoughtful gifts cory ever gave me was a drawing kit while i was pregnant with otto.

it was about a week before he finally decided to come out of my body, and i had just come back from the hospital with an awful uti. and if you've never been a pregnant woman with a uti...thank whoever you recognize as your higher power because i kid you not, that pain was worse than any of the labor pains i experienced while giving birth.

for about 2 hours i forgot about all the shit around me, and existed in that piece of paper. 

yet here i am, having trouble finding that space again..the stolen moments of quiet.

trying to hide with a book or even watching tv in peace while folding laundry is interrupted by any of the following:

breaking up a fight

cutting an apple

opening a package of string cheese

wiping someone's butt

helping someone blow their nose

giving otto more cough medicine because his cough just.won't.go.away

it's supposed to snow again soon.

the constant days of cold are hard here. warm days can be spent with them outside, and me inside with the doors open..letting the sun in.

so i take comfort in warm coffee mugs filled with liquid gold topped with whipped cream, wishing for summer to show its face. 

cory works so hard. and he's been so sick. 

and there are days like today, when i just don't know if i can get out of bed to fold yet another load of laundry, that make me feel like i need to get my shit together. force myself to climb out of the funk i've been in and be the woman he married, not the one he got stuck with.

everything will be okay

i'm no good at big decisions.
i over think them til i've worked myself into a total awful frenzy.

we're facing two big decisions right now.
1. cory's future in school & career...
2. the kids' schooling...

and i'm finally coming to a place of peace. the thing is that things are never black and white, and i hate it. if there could just be one big answer to every major decision, yea, that'd be great.

pro's and con's help. making mental lists, then realizing that we have to take everyone in this house into account when making such decisions.

decisions in cory's schooling are still unclear, and i know we're both just so ready for some relief.
i know the light is there at the end of the tunnel..but digging our way to it & trying to decide which way to go when we hit a fork in the road is proving to be a pain in the ass.

and when it comes to the kids' schooling, the bottom line is that i'm failing.
i'm a kick ass mom. i'm a terrible homeschooling mom. and i need to realize this doesn't make me a total failure.
i need to know that i'm raising confident capable kids and that it's okay to cut the strings.
they can fly, i know they can. i just need to let them out of their cages and rediscover who i am.
i've spent the last 8 1/2 years of my life being nothing but mommy.
and i need to realize that having the desire to do something for me and no one else isn't selfish, but self preservation.

my mental health has been on a downward spiral lately, and it's essential for me to get well in order to re-establish some sanity and peace in our home.


i found my happy place today sitting on the floor or shower, scrubbing the walls.
sometimes cleaning is the only way i can find that place where everything seems clear again.
and the only problem with that scenario is the fact that once i've found that place the last thing i want to do is clean.
our bathroom is the cleanest it's been in years. the rest of the house? not so much.


it's okay..everything will be okay.