Sunday, February 24, 2013


mom. stay at home mom. housewife. these are the things that have defined me for the last year or so.

i get away occasionally on the weekends, usually to make 100 bucks here or there taking pictures to help out our bank account.

but beyond those titles there's not much left.

i've tried to make more of an effort when i do go out the last few weeks. wear a dress, put some make-up on...and it does make me feel better. but down underneath i still feel invisible.

identity. i'm vanessa. i used to love art history. not just enjoy it, but love it. and even though i'm not skilled at it, i do love to draw and paint.

one of the most thoughtful gifts cory ever gave me was a drawing kit while i was pregnant with otto.

it was about a week before he finally decided to come out of my body, and i had just come back from the hospital with an awful uti. and if you've never been a pregnant woman with a uti...thank whoever you recognize as your higher power because i kid you not, that pain was worse than any of the labor pains i experienced while giving birth.

for about 2 hours i forgot about all the shit around me, and existed in that piece of paper. 

yet here i am, having trouble finding that space again..the stolen moments of quiet.

trying to hide with a book or even watching tv in peace while folding laundry is interrupted by any of the following:
breaking up a fight
cutting an apple
opening a package of string cheese
wiping someone's butt
helping someone blow their nose
giving otto more cough medicine because his cough just.won't.go.away

it's supposed to snow again soon.

the constant days of cold are hard here. warm days can be spent with them outside, and me inside with the doors open..letting the sun in.

so i take comfort in warm coffee mugs filled with liquid gold topped with whipped cream, wishing for summer to show its face. 

cory works so hard. and he's been so sick. 

and there are days like today, when i just don't know if i can get out of bed to fold yet another load of laundry, that make me feel like i need to get my shit together. force myself to climb out of the funk i've been in and be the woman he married, not the one he got stuck with.


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