just happy

you know that bone crushing tired that you get sometimes?
i'm feeling it right now.
it's so heavy, and so real.
and actually kind of beautiful.

i have so much to be grateful for.

and rather than list to you the reasons why i have a nice layer of stress hidden underneath at all, i just wanted to share with you guys the fact that i'm so happy.

my children are magical. so is my husband.
and there's this guy.

napping, cuddling, growling in his sleep and fitting in rather nicely...knock on wood...about 8 hours in.

she's coming tomorrow.

which means life will become even more beautiful.

and i can't shake the feeling that there's something amazing just on the horizon. 

a real update on life things

i have yet to do a "this is what happened today" type update here.

but in abbreviated form, this is what's been happening in our lives...

cory got sick. really sick...about 10 weeks ago.
it's been a non-stop cycle of coughing til he pukes, wheezing, restless nights, and exhaustion.

things are complicated on that end because we, like so many, live without health insurance. and it's so fucking stupid. our cars and house are insured..but we can't afford to insure our bodies, which are so vitally important..obviously. wait, let me rephrase that. our bodies are insured in case of DEATH. but we can't afford to insure to keep our bodies healthy... i'd never really thought about it that way but wow..

one trip to the walk in clinic..two trips to the emergency room...
and we were finally able to get in today to see a pulmonologist. for locals...dr. hull at edmond ou medical center. the man and his staff were incredible.

the verdict? it started as pertussis which lead to bronchitis which lead to damage to his lungs. and for someone who has asthma? it's brutal.

we're on the right track to healing now.

meanwhile, on the job front...
he can't work at home depot right now. it's impossible.

the air quality there is ridiculous, and he spends his entire day walking miles back and forth mixed with good doses of heavy lifting.

so today we turned in the paperwork for a leave of absence that the doctor ordered. a minimum of 4 weeks...after not being able to go to work for the past 3 weeks.

and we'll be fine. really we will. there's still his part time gig at the library and a tiny nest egg in our savings account. and in all honesty i'm looking forward to spending more time with him. i feel like i haven't seen the man for months.

a healthy husband..that's what i want.

he also (drumroll) applied for graduation over the weekend.

this is the part where fireworks go off..right here.

i don't know that he'll ever NOT be a student, but a degree means he's that much closer to his dream of being a librarian. and i'm so proud. one last class this summer, and that huge weight will be lifted...

the kids?

april 1st i will be taking them to enroll into public school for next fall. it was a difficult decision to make but we know it's the right one.

faith lost a tooth the night before last night. the kid pulled it herself, while elliott is sitting with 4 loose teeth in his little mouth that he refuses to touch, wiggle, or even think about.

otto? my days with him go like this....
"that's too boring"
"it's not fair"
"what the heck?!"

me? i'm here...tired, happy, and floating along.

i'm special

i talked about it a little bit on our business blog, but elliott said something that totally kicked my ass the other day.

we try to spend time with each of the kids individually as much as possible, especially elliott. he just needs to be reminded of the love that surrounds him from time to time.

and here's the thing.
i say all of this today with a slight layer of guilt hidden under the surface.

i treated myself with our tax return, as i always do. two new bras, a pair of boots, a couple dresses, 30 ill-spent dollars at lush...the list could go on but i'm honestly too embarrassed to continue.

most of the items i want fall in my lap because my husband loves me. sometimes he loves me too much.

i despise spending money on myself. hate it really. cory's usually the one responsible for buying me new underwear because he can't stand to see me in thread bare awfulnesses. and he has to see me in it often since i only wear pants 15% of the time.

you guys, i won't even buy myself underwear. why do i do this to myself?

it's not because i don't want our money to be spent. because i have no problem with buying the kids things..or cory buying himself things. i just don't want money to be spent on me.

but rewinding back to my day with elliott...
while at the lego store he spotted a book on harry potter at the register. and if these children know anything they know of my love for the boy wizard. i've only spent the last several years trying to drill the story into their heads.

when he saw the book my baby insisted that i buy it for myself.
and me, being me, i kept refusing.
and he kept insisting.
we left the store without it, but not before spending $20 on legos for elliott.

fast forward to our local science museum.
oh my word, you guys. they had quidditch goggles.
i tried oh so hard to talk elliott into getting them.
they're so amazing, elliott! you should get them!
he turned down the offer to get them for him, then started insisting that i get them for myself.
come on, mommy. you really like them. you should get them.

buying them for elliott would've been fine. buying them for myself? ridiculous.

and that's when it happened.

you never want to get anything for you, because you don't think you're special, mommy. but you're special.

shot to the heart, you guys.

so i'm here to tell you guys that dammit i'm special. and i'm really gonna try to treat myself like i'm special more often.

because the thing is...if i don't show my kids that i'm special how do i expect to build their self esteem?

to think that i could teach them to believe that they're special while constantly putting myself on a back burner and never doing small things for myself is just..well...it's stupid. and i may be a college drop out but i remember enough from those child psychology classes to know that this is an absolute essential part to raising confident children.

i have to learn to love myself.