Wednesday, April 18, 2012

This is me begging Oprah to give me money

Confession: Unless I take time each morning to make myself feel pretty, I spend the rest of the day being totally useless. That means that I'm super productive 3 days out of the month. And just so you know, "make myself feel pretty" means putting on a good bra, red lipstick, and straightening my hair. You could either view this as my being confident enough to feel pretty with minimal effort, or that my standards are just that pathetically low.

And mornings are the worst. Seriously. They mean getting all three children up, fed, dressed, and halfway presentable in time to get Faith to school. All three kids..just so 1 can go to school. And my boys are just like me. They'd sleep til noon if everyone would just leave them the hell alone. Just like me as well, when they're forced to awaken before they're good and ready they're almost impossible to be around for the rest of the day.

That was taken yesterday morning. A rare weekday that Cory had off. Breakfast was delicious bacon and fried potatoes instead of the usual cereal and toast. And that was only because the boys got to sleep in and Cory took Faith to school. Mornings like that always leave me wondering how we can scheme to get money without him ever having to leave the house again. 

Seriously. Him being gone means my crazy bitch tendencies go through the roof. I really don't think it's too much to ask...for everyone else's tax dollars to go to my husband staying home so we can live a comfortable life without having to lift a finger. 

Spending our days napping in the sun while having picnics and quickies in the afternoon sound so much better than our current set up. 

Please don't tell me I'm the only person who thinks about writing some billionaire a kind letter asking for a simple donation of about $25,000 a year. Because truth is, we live on about $20,000 right now..have for the last few years..and it's actually served us pretty damn well. No rent, mortgage, or car payment means we can live on less than what some people spend on hair products. And to someone like Oprah I'm fairly certain $25,000 a year could disappear and she'd never know the difference. 

So O, if you happen to stumble across this at some point...
Gurrrrllllll (I think she'd appreciate the irony behind me calling her "Gurrrrllll" for some reason), you're lookin' hot these days. (Really, she is.)
I read while in line at the grocery store on some tabloid (because we all know that's the real news) that you offered Stedman a shit load of money so he'd marry you. I think the number was somewhere around $100 million. 
So I really don't think a measly amount of $25,000 a year would effect your quality of life at all.
I watched your show religiously in high school (translation: when there was nothing else on TV besides Maury and Judge Joe Brown) so really I've been paying you for years. Therefore, I feel like you owe me. Big time.
Everyone knows you're the Santa of the free world and I feel kinda cheated that you never gave me a car or even a fancy $50 candle or ceramic flat iron.
Hook a sister up, k? 
Fist bump. (She strikes me as the kinda lady who enjoys a good fist bump. It's probably how she and Gayle greet each other when they go out to coffee to decide on who will rule the free world next.)

*You guys, this might be the dumbest most asinine blog post I've ever written. 


  1. i love it. i remember once, she gave away cars to everyone in the audience. i was like....hey, i can't afford a new car. i would like a new car. i can't even afford to get to your show so i can win a new car. UGH.