Wednesday, May 30, 2012


Last night I stood at our back door watching quarter sized hail beat down on our porch. I stuffed towels in the cracks of the windows in our living room, trying in vain to keep the damage at a minimum.

It was so loud, like there were thousands of tiny trolls standing on our metal roof pounding it with tiny hammers.

I had the kids laying on the floor in bedroom, far away from the window. A trip to the emergency room due to flying glass wasn't high on my list of things I wanted to do.

I walked from the TV to the back door, back and forth back and forth.

Texting my mom and sister, letting them know what the TV was saying in case my mom and dad had to take cover since their power had gone out. The storm was so much worse there. Half of the tree in their front yard is gone.

Oklahoma. I've spent so much time defending it and every spring/summer it tries to destroy us. And it hasn't even been kind enough to blow our house away so we can get a new one...

It was such a late night...restless with all my offspring crowding my bed. Cory woke me up and told me to move from the bedroom floor to the couch. I don't even remember moving to the floor.

Then offspring #3 followed me to the couch.

Sleep has been difficult to catch lately, although it's so desperately needed. 
Our bed was comfortable...when it was new in 1973. 
Every morning we wake up with sore backs, wishing for change.

Extra coffee has been not just desired, but required.

I've been wondering a lot lately when we'll catch our big break. It seems like 2012 thus far has brought with it busted tires, broken dishwashers, headaches, weird rashes, sleepless nights, and frustration.

I was expecting things to change and get easier. And I'm still waiting.

To be completely honest with you, I'm no longer in the mood to be optimistic. This glass is half fucking empty. We're good people. Cory works his ass off. I wake up every morning and be the best mom I can be, which is pretty damn good. And we still struggle.

We've spent so long being tested... I think we've proven we're worthy of good things. 

Maybe we need to start going to that mega church, dropping 10% of what we need to eat into the bucket, and praying to someone we can't even see to send us checks in the mail.

All those people are prospering, right? Maybe that's the stop thinking & just start doing what I've been told my whole life to do. Because being a good person & working hard just isn't paying off. 

Today I'm not in the mood to count my blessings. I'm in the mood to hold them and watch TV in bed all day, then pop a few ibuprofens to soothe my sore muscles. If I had money I'd go buy a bottle of wine and drink the entire thing after they've gone to sleep, waiting for all these thoughts to go numb. 

And I happen to think that's okay. I think it's okay to have bad days..days when you don't feel like playing the happy go lucky role that for some reason everyone expects you to play. 

Life is beautiful, yes. But sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it sucks so much that you just want to crawl into bed and forget it all...drown out the noise around you and just stop thinking.

And when it's over hope to emerge with a new outlook on things...a fresh view on life, knowing that once the storm has passed everything will feel just fine yet again.


  1. hugs, mama. storms make me think of new things. so do season changes. the sky is gray here. transition.

    1. They always have a huge effect on me emotionally... always have. <3

  2. This makes me want to watch Twister.