Thursday, June 21, 2012

the good, the bad, and no ugly because i'm beautiful

sounds in my house at this very moment:
toys being dumped out onto the living room floor
nickelodeon playing quietly on the television
faith cutting up dried seaweed for them to have as a a snack. they seriously eat them like potato chips
the ceiling fan whirring above my head. it's actually not horrible hot today and i've had the window units off for most of it

things have been..interesting. and challenging.

at this very moment cory is applying for even more jobs. catching a break would be pretty sweet here.

at this moment, when i have 3 months left to fulfill groupon clients, i have mixed feelings about it all. would i do it again? fuck no. do i regret doing it? no, i don't think so.

i've been in a slump in mom land. and it's because most of my days are spent staring at a monitor editing pictures. i've gotten a rhythm down with groupon clients & lightroom that's made the process so much quicker, but it's still sucking my time into a black hole. which leaves my poor children to make their own fun. today was spent with dance parties and swimming, despite the water being titanic like thanks to the massive amount of rain last night.

i find myself wondering lately how people manage to live such glamorous lives. it's almost like much of instagram is "look how awesome i am!" and that's definitely me being bitter and judgmental. I haven't even posted in a few days. what am i gonna post? this is me...sitting on the toilet & peeing for the twentieth time today because my children destroyed my bladder. this is me...drinking yet another diet coke when my brain tells me i should be drinking water. this is me...staring in the mirror, squeezing my belly fat yet again wishing i had christina hendrick's body. this is me...sitting on my ass editing pictures that will never get purchased or seen again. seriously, you guys. i'm considering just giving the last groupon clients all their files so i don't have to order their prints any more or deal with it.

sometimes i consider giving up coffee and trading it for tea. then i remember i would be dead without it.

i noticed a penny stuck on the kitchen floor yesterday. i should mop at some point.

you know how the pioneer woman posts pictures of the trash she sweeps off her floors & claims she's "keepin' it real"? i call bullshit. she should see what i sweep off my floors.

i've come to the realization that i have two sons & a husband. i will never again have a bathroom that doesn't smell like piss 24/7.

i haven't folded laundry in weeks. it's liberating..until i need to find clean clothes. then it's horrible.

is it wrong to be jealous of my 7 year old daughter's skin tone & trim physique?

here's a secret that won't be a secret any more: i'm closer to 300 pounds than 200 now. barely, but i am. this is heartbreaking, depressing, and so discouraging. it also means that every time i see my mother now she has to say something about my weight. my tongue starts bleeding from the excessive biting i end up doing. this was the woman who told me i was fat then fed me more food. and fed me an exclusive diet of take out food and frozen pizzas.

but then i realize that i'm a 31 year old woman dammit. i need to take responsibility for my own bad habits & quit blaming other people. but it's just so much easier to point fingers. it's why we all do it.

31...i'll be 32 in 9 days. i feel like only decades matter now. 30 mattered. 40 will matter. 32 doesn't mean shit. although i have noticed wrinkles around my eyes.

right now you'er experiencing a serious case of verbal diarrhea.

and those were the bads... i should share some goods.

cory is my light, you guys. i won't lie & say that we're always perfect. in fact, we're far from it. our marriage has definitely had it's ups & downs. right now we're climbing upward and it feels so good.

i had my first thai food experience last night and i'm a changed woman. so fucking good.

after 7 1/2 years i'm finally okay with the idea that having happy children means more than having a clean house. some days it's spotless in here. others it's an episode of hoarders minus the dead cats. every day my kids are fed and laughing. that's a win.

i've re-found my photography mojo when it comes to taking things for myself. i need to get back into the habit of doing it every single day, but at least i'm getting back into the groove.

i finally own an epiphane camera bag/purse. i'd been waiting for 2 years for one of those babies. i will never not feel guilty for spending the money on myself, but we agreed it would be my birthday present from everyone in this house..and i'm totally okay with it. and the thing is amazing. seriously.

even though i'm officially fat, i actually feel more comfortable in my own body than i ever have before. it's crazy i realize. and probably just me making an excuse to stay fat & not work to change it...but it feels nice to feel disgusting for once.

every season of buffy is on netflix right now. my soul is dancing.

we've discovered the joys of stacking dominos then knocking them down. hours of entertainment here, and i'm sure they're learning the importance of something really physics or something.

my children are healthy, tender, perfect

and stupid cute.


  1. i love you and your stupid cute kids. i still haven't had thia food...i dont think. i need to apparently.

    1. next time we're finally together..thai food

  2. Oh my god, Vanessa. My bathroom literally smells like elephant piss all the time.

    1. this made me snort... elephant piss is such an accurate way to put it.

  3. The bathroom. My boys still pee sitting down and I don't encourage them to pee like daddy unless we're in public. I can just imagine how much worse my bathroom would smell if they were trying to aim 23892340 times a day.

    Little tushes are the beeeest.

    1. my problem is that when my boys sit down & try to pee they wind up doing it all over themselves.. it's a problem.

  4. I feel you on the bathroom thing. :/ I like how you keep it real. I should post an instagram photo on my front room floor.

    1. man my house is so messy right wouldn't be attractive for me to post anything.

  5. your pictures are magical. you do have beautiful children. cory might be able to help out at ubran agrarian. i can find out for you. i don't think it'd be really steady income, but it's fun to do sometimes. there's no a.c. though!

    1. ill let him know! he actually likes working in the's disturbing.

  6. I have a son who refuses to aim. I have a piss COVERED bathroom. The area around the toilet is now referred to as the "splatter zone" by those who clean it, so me.

    I completely understand the feeling of being comfortable in your skin. I have always said I have an unfortunate case of Shallow Hal Syndrome. I feel smaller than I am. Ha ha ha! But I think it's because I'm not crazy obsessive and depressed about my body anymore. I also think that this has created a really healthy mental environment for me to lose weight.

    You are really great and talented and inspiring. You may not feel that way or know why I do, but those who know you understand. I love you blog. And you. <3

    1. the boys are pretty good about aiming for the most part. but the smell just won't leave.

      and thank you. <3