Monday, December 31, 2012

2012, the year of chaos

i've been thinking a lot about the year 2012 today. it's only natural i suppose, with it being the last day and all.

but as i sit here browsing society6, drinking my hot tea, and knowing i definitely won't last be awake to kiss my man at midnight i'm having trouble remembering much of anything.

i know i turned 32 this year.
i know all my kids got older.
i know i was gone nearly every weekend making awkward conversation with mostly kind families, begging their children to smile. and in doing so, i missed out on so much.

the year 2012 could be coined the year of chaos.

i learned to love my body, then drifted back into hating it again.

elliott learned how to read.

otto learned how to poop on the toilet. finally. 

faith knows how to do 3 digit subtraction, addition, and the importance of multiplication. 

cory is nearing the end of his degree. 

4 people my age or younger that i was connected to in one way or another passed away.

all of these things are facts. i know they happened. yet they feel like they're hidden behind a cloudy haze. 

i think 2012 brought a certain amount of cynicism to my life. 

people tried to squander me out of earning a living to help support my family. hurry hurry hurry. rush rush rush. why can't you work faster? 

it was all a huge lesson in life. spending so much time getting walked on means it's become difficult for me to trust. 

this next year will be spent with me trying to find that soft edge again. 

i think the most exciting thing about january 1st is the word possibility. 

nothing is decided yet. everything is wibbly wobbly. 

job situations will likely change. dreams may be realized. milestones will happen. as i type at this very moment elliott has his first loose tooth and it's moments from falling out of his sweet little mouth. 

we all know there will be births. and deaths. illnesses and happiness. 

i used to proclaim that i hated change. yet i find myself being more open to it as time marches on.

2013 means 10 years of marriage. 10 years of love. 

and a cabin with a hot tub that i'm quite certain i'll refuse to leave. 

i'm having visions of hiking, water, geocaching and sleeping. so much sleeping. 

what books will be read? 

what movies will be seen? 

will sherlock come back to me? 

will 11 regenerate into 12? 

there are so many unanswered questions that i can't wait to discover the answers to. 

i know 2013 will bring new experiences. i'm counting on it really.

i never set resolutions. commitment issues...i have them. 

wait, scratch that. i'm setting some resolutions this year. but really, we'll just call them things i'd like to do, but will only do if i have the time...resolutions....

which leads me to resolution #1...

slow the fuck down. 
busy busy busy busy. 2012, the year of chaos. 
2013, the year of slowing the fuck down. 

2. learn how to play the guitar already.
because in my head i'm a super duper awesome folk star anyway.

3. take up running again. 
3 1/2. get to a size that enables me to walk into any store and find something i can wear. 

4. have enough of a personal portfolio by the end of the year to do a show.
whether i actually do a show or not is irrelevant. 

5. start writing a freaking book already.

6. read 35 books. 
one of my biggest accomplishments for 2012 was reading 30.
you guys, i read 30 books in the year of chaos. 

7. alone time. take it. and refuse to feel guilty about it.

8. attempt to make french macaroons from scratch.
this is the one that scares me the most.

9. quit drinking diet coke.
i'm thinking of replacing that bad habit with smoking.

10. lighten up.
while we were dating cory once told me i was a fun sucker.
and i was. i was the worst fun sucker of all time. 

2012 was the year when i started sucking all the fun out of things again. 

this directly relates to resolution #1. 

slowing down & taking time to just fucking breathe will help me stick with resolution #10. 

it's a cycle really.

busy = stress
stress = the mom/wife/friend that no one wants to be around. 

the humming dryer, the lorax dvd being stuck on the menu in the next room, the fan on the laptop.
these are the sounds around me. 

good night, 2012. 

2013, you're lookin' fantastic.


  1. Vanessa I think you are fantastic! Here's to an incredible 2013!

  2. I second what Amber said! Also, I once had an old boyfriend call me a "Drag Master". We all have our moments.

  3. Just keep that camera on you because holy jeez, I lovelove every single one of these photos.

    I didn't make any resolutions, this year, because I don't want to disappoint myself. I want to appreciate more, so I guess there's that...hope (?) for the year. It's something I think I could work on and that will make me feel better about everything. I want to do things with purpose, so I guess taking time to appreciate all that I have will help me delegate my actions more.

    Anyway. Happy New Year, Vanessa!!