Wednesday, August 8, 2012

care enough to care

the thing about learning to love yourself is that you have to ignore all outside influences.

i spent my day cleaning our bedroom, which meant hours of folding laundry, which i usually do with the television as my companion. jenny craig told me multiple times that i needed to eat their food so i could lose 20 pounds. a size 6 actress told me that "big girls wear shapers under everything". fuck you..the only time i wore a shaper was the day i got married, and i hated every second of it.

there's the television, the magazines while i'm waiting to buy my groceries, the billboards on the side of the highway, the people in my life offering to send me to weight watchers.

and all their voices seem so much louder than the one in my head.

i weave in and out of self confidence.

some days i feel untouchable. like nothing can bring me down off this high i've recently found. the high where i love the chub in my armpits, the cellulite on my thighs, and even my belly.

others i avoid looking in the mirror all together. i catch a picture of me that was taken when i didn't know it and am disgusted with what i see. i hate it all, right down to the weight i've gained in my hands and face.

and it's always the same, whether i weigh 160 pounds or 260. i wonder if i'll ever be comfortable in my own body. and why i can't find that place where i love myself enough to care.

and the worst part is that every woman, and probably even most men, who are reading this are nodding their head thinking things like "this is exactly how i feel".

it's like we're trained early on that we're not worth much outside of what other people see when they glance our way. they probably look at me and think "she'd be pretty if she weren't so fat" or "why do fat girls think they can wear short shorts?".

and in doing so they fail to ever know the real me. and if they did they'd know that i happen to be talented, funny at times, have a decent sense of humor, enjoy good music just as much as i enjoy good food, love going for walks, adore the ocean, and a good book..among other things that make me wonderful.

and none of this really even matters because those other voices will always be there. i just need to learn to employ the selective hearing skills being a mother has offered me.

i need to develop my own opinions of myself and quit relying on what others think. and i need to learn to love myself enough to take care of myself.

late night cake eating to drown my sorrows doesn't make me feel better, even if it does give me the brilliant idea of forcing siri to call me "the goddess of cake". nothing feels better than a long walk or maybe even a jog. i've been dying to try yoga but am terrified that i'll fail miserably. i adore hooping but can't force myself to go outside and play.

i'm worth it. we all are. and i want my children to grow up with the confidence to love themselves..know themselves..and know better than to listen to the other voices.

by the way, i realize i've been extremely ego-centric as of late..especially in the self portrait department. there's a good reason, other than me being completely vain. 

i'm taking part in this incredible class with a group of brave, beautiful women and it's causing me to do a lot of searching within myself. it's been challenging, exciting, and terrifying all at the same time. 


  1. Great post. I totally feel you. Doesn't help me ego when I wet myself or when people say "You don't look pregnant." self portraits made me look at the beauty of me, which I had no idea I possessed.

    1. it's amazing how self portraits can do that..

  2. "i weave in and out of self confidence."

    "i need to develop my own opinions of myself and quit relying on what others think. and i need to learn to love myself enough to take care of myself."

    Yes and yes.
    I actually started working on a blog post myself about self-acceptance and how I am trying so hard to realign my thinking to stop comparing my body to whatever society deems as perfect. It's not enough to say that no one is perfect because you're still selling yourself short. And I it isn't right that we are told we can diet and exercise to look like so-and-so. I mean, I've beat myself up because I hate how I look some days and I'm not doing anything about it. But no, we shouldn't aspire to look like so-and-so in the first place. Everyone looks different and that is beautiful.

  3. also, i find it perfectly acceptable that you've been a bit "ego-centric." you're a mother of 3, so you deserve it.

  4. candra, blogger won't let me hit reply to your comment, but..
    a. you're beautiful.
    and b. you're right dammit. i deserve a little vanity..

  5. this: "the thing about learning to love yourself is that you have to ignore all outside influences."

    even though i read this earlier this week..... i read it again today because it was still showing up in my reader as unread (i must have read through fb). that sentence, right there, punched me in the gut.

    while i'm not looking at my physical self with disdain, i absolutely am judging myself against this mystery chick that has appeared in grace's world as daddy's girlfriend, and he has a knack for picking the ones who live the life i can't - the life he wants, the life i left behind when i birthed this little girl. grace says she wants to go take a nap with her because all they do is sleep and watch tv and its so fun. i have homework, and have to make lunch, and clean a house. must be nice.

    but if i am going to be any sort of mother, let alone the mother i want to be, i need to ignore that. i need to ignore that shit because it's a fucking joke.

    so thank you. i am going to spend the next several days focusing on how awesome i am.