Friday, August 24, 2012

label: depression

the thing about being prone to fits of depression is that you can be going about your day, happy and bubbly, until the house is quiet and the chaos is gone..there's nothing left in the air but you and your thoughts.

the internet isn't helpful. the mind wanders and you find yourself browsing the elliott smith tag on tumblr reading the coroner's report of his death and all those emotions come back. the same emotions you had the moment you heard that he died and you know somehow that things will never be the same.

then you think about june carter cash dying hours before your wedding and have the realization that johnny won't be far behind. and flashback to the moment where you drive past her house on your honeymoon and see all the flowers out in their yard and that same heaviness rests on your chest that did then.

and old friends that have gone. and the one that still hurts because no one even had the courtesy to call and let you know, even though you grew up together. she initiated you into rebel adolescence by escorting you on your first sneaking out of a window in the dead of night to drive to the lake with random people you didn't know.

life is good. you are good. the people around you are good. but there's still this darkness that wants to seep its way through your pores sometimes. you need a good cry, but are never alone long enough to get it.

sleep sounds so good, but it just won't come. and when it does it's riddled with nightmares.

things feel so uncertain and unbalanced. and that damn lump in your chest won't just go the fuck away. it hurts like hell, so it's probably not cancer. but it's just so damn annoying.

the scale at your mom's registered the highest weight you've ever seen while standing on it, but you just can't find a reason to care. so you shove another hershey's chocolate bar down your throat while drinking a diet coke, because the fake sugar will balance out the real right?

people die. things change. and life is just really difficult sometimes. and you're just trying to float...sometimes maybe even swim to get somewhere.

tomorrow will be better. next week will be better. and the darkness comes less often these days. but when it does it feels three times as heavy.


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