Thursday, August 2, 2012

crying in the frozen section

while grocery shopping last night..because hi, it's 113 degrees & neither one of our cars have air conditioning... i was thinking about life, and death. mostly death. how unfair it is. and how the only thing i believe in right now is love and friendship. not even family.

then this song came on..

and i'm standing there in front of the frozen chicken breasts, trying to decide if we can afford one bag or two...and i just start crying. in the middle of crest. this is where i'd insert an ode to my long hair..a poem about how much i love it because it enables me to hide my feelings from those around me.

and fuck i'm angry. and sad. and mostly angry. and confused.

i've spent the last two days in a haze.

then i woke up this morning and decided that there are lessons to be learned. every single day bad things happen, and we can choose to drown in them or rise above and swim.

i've never been a very competent swimmer. i suck at it really. but this is me trying to gain my strength.

hope. it's what keeps me going. hope that the children of lost parents will be okay. that my friends will stay safe. that my children will forgive me for being totally incompetent for the last two days. i'm losing faith, but i can hold onto hope.

laughter, adventure, and imagination. these are the thing i'm going to strive for today.
because my boys are currently jumping from couch to couch to table to couch dressed as spiderman, and i'm going to play this until the funk has passed. because it's as annoying and catchy as fuck.


  1. i love everything about this. i somehow felt every feeling with you. you inspired me this very moment to rise above it and do something with the moments i do have. i love you.

    1. come over. i'll make a pie, we can watch bad movies and cry together..okay? okay.

  2. Oh Vanessa, I totally feel this post!
    On Monday, after hearing about Caleb, I cried all day. I felt like a crazy person. I didn't really know Caleb, but I knew enough of him and it just broke my heart into bits for his wife and kiddos.
    That plus a few other much minor things had me completely drained that day. When I went to bed, I could feel myself trembling as my body relaxed and de-stressed.
    That haze you spoke of, yes. It's been a truly emotional week.
    I love that Jewel song. I could see why you would cry! I listened to some many songs that kept me bawling for the last few days.
    I love you, Vanessa. If you ever need someone to vent or bitch or cry to, I'm just a phone call away. :)

    1. thank you, mandie.
      i was numb about caleb..then finding out yesterday about another death of a great guy... i guess i just broke. my heart, my head..everything.

  3. I am sorry. So sorry you are hurting.
    I hide behind my hair every day.

    1. thank you, sweet friend. time heals all wounds.

  4. i just read this... omg <3 <3 <3
    this really resonates.